As most of my social media friends and family have seen – recently I have had some ongoing heart problems – which, in fact, do run in my family (even though my dad insists that it may be due to the unhealthy lifestyle I was living last year…) They are still working (stress tests, holster monitors, ekgs regularly, thyroid blood work, etc) to see if I have structural damage, or just a rapid heart arrhythmia. However, the point of this post is to share what I am doing with my life in regards to a healthy lifestyle at 20 years old. (A lot harder than it seems!)
The most encouraging words have been sent to me over the past couple of months and I just wanted to share a few (anonymously) with you-
These are just a few of the messages I have been receiving and words will never be able to touch on how much joy they have brought to my heart.
My journey started the day I realized that being diagnosed ‘clinically depressed with chronic anxiety’ was a blessing in disguise.
Like I have mentioned previously, I have always been known to be the goofy girl that posts too many pictures and always has a smile on her face. I think I finally came to terms with this my sophomore year of highschool. It was the year everyone got their license, I was a cheerleader, my mom was sick and I jumped between my parents houses depending on which one wasn’t fighting with me that week. I remember going to school Valentine’s Day of 2011 and having 4 roses on my desk: 1 from a kid that walked onto the football team and was a little different, thanking me for cheering for him the previous season. I had 3 other roses that read: “didn’t see a bald lady at the basketball game, guess I couldn’t introduce myself to your mom.” Another read: “stupidity must run in the family” (in regards to my little brother being special needs) and the last said “haha leave”. I remember it was a Monday and we had a pep rally for our rival basketball game, I was completely unsure of what to do. I knew exactly who the roses were from, and it was a girl that was from the rival school, she had called me the Friday before and asked if my mom had cancer and laughed over the phone. I didn’t know her personally, but that didn’t stop her. I took the roses to the principal, who I was very close with- and she want there. I told the woman at the front desk what had happened and she said “welcome to highschool, honey.”
I remember calling my dad who was out of town for work, in hysterics unsure of what to do. I talked to my coach and finished the pep rally. The following week I had transferred to another school about 30 minutes away. I had always been the girl to laugh and carry the upbeat attitude, but I couldn’t do it after the humility of this incident. I finished my school year at Monacan, and actually ended up graduating early the summer after.
This is the time where I actually learned what it was like to feel depressed. I was always on edge, my heart raced faster than it did before due to stress and anxiety, and uncertainty of what was to come. I still played it off well, I started hanging out with old friends again and even though I had graduated, my friends were seniors in highschool at this point. I was jealous. I didn’t send in applications to out of state schools like everyone else, or even out of Richmond. I didn’t get to have my senior prom (or any prom), I never had a senior night for sports or knew what it was like to walk across a stage in a cap and gown. At this point it was 2013 and I was a mess. I was in school and doing well, but I began spending too much time with the wrong crowd and rebelling a little more than I had before. I had begged my parents to let me move out of Richmond for as long as I could remember. I was not happy, not proud, and had no idea what self-worth even meant.
August 3rd, 2014 was the day it all happened. The most selfish act humanly possible – I attempted to end my own life. That’s where my anxiety had led me to. I had never (and will never again) have my parents look at me the way they did when this happened. It was a cry for help and that’s all I wanted, unfortunately.
After 21 days in the hospital and endless poking and prodding, I moved to wrightsville beach. I got a marketing and sales job and began working for a fitness center (the healthiest choice I could have ever made.)
The point to this post is to make those of you reading it understand that the healthy lifestyle I try to live now is because of past mistakes I have had to learn from. I will do anything in my power to be the light and inspiration for any one person that feels down and as if they are hopeless. I was at the point where I didn’t think anyone was there to listen, when I now know I had friends and family (even strangers) that would have done anything to help me if I just stopped pretending everything was ok. I now live a life of gratitude, even with a broken heart (fortunately not from a boy) and I post a million pictures on social media showing what I am now capable of, thanks to the grace of God and the self-worth I have for myself.
As for bullying and the small remarks we sometimes say, not intending to hurt someone. You will never know if that one insult could throw someone just over their edge. Think before you speak, be the bigger person, and live respectively.
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